avoidance perfectionism

Discipline, determination, stick-to-it-iveness…call it what you like I just don’t have it. Quite obviously if I’ve only published seven entries to my blog in more than two years of its existence, I am not a creature of habit. And that’s a problem when you’re trying to get ahead in this world. The worm not only goes to the early bird, it also goes to the bird that’s the most persistent.

I am more of a laid back, worry-free, not-in-a-hurry-to-get-anywhere type of girl. Until I actually start doing something that I enjoy or that may be important to me. And then I want it to be perfect. I’ve never thought of myself as much of a perfectionist. Most of my life I’ve been disorganized and frankly very messy. Unmade bed, clothes on the floor, and let that call go to voicemail please. I don’t like to be bothered. Until I do. Let me explain.

Ask me to write something in a card for a co-worker and it’ll take me all day to think of just the right thing. And no pen will touch paper until I do. Hand me a menu with more than 10 things on it and I will send the poor waitress away repeatedly to everyone’s dismay while I contemplate my perfect combination of appetizer and main course. And yes, it IS a big deal.

So you see while writing blurbs for this blog, I may start writing a post and have several paragraphs finished, when I suddenly reread what I’ve written and decide it isn’t quite right. And I must change it. Over and over and over again. Until I get to the point where I cannot tell if it’s good or not anymore. Cannot tell if it’s even worthy of publishing at all! I feel like someone writing a book without an editor. And that’s when it happens. I walk away. I tell myself to stop changing it. Leave it be. Revisit it another day.

Unfortunately that’s exactly what I do. I walk away to give it time. For my mind to forget what I’ve written and all of the changes I’ve made. So that when I go back again to read it, ideally it will seem fresh and new…and maybe in need of only minor correction. But that day never comes because I have been taken away. Not only from the thought of that post, but of my blog entirely. Distracted completely until something reminds me that I have not given it any attention in much, much too long a period of time. Which is what happened today.

I remember many years ago a therapist of mine telling me that what I was doing when I started a task but did not complete it was “avoidance perfectionism.” I had not heard that term before and have not heard it since. But it does feel completely appropriate to me considering what she said. Her hypothesis was that when I was unable to do something to my liking, which meant in precisely the right way, I just avoided doing it completely. Sounds somewhat like a spoiled child, doesn’t it? Laughable, but true…I cannot do something unless I do it 100% the way I want to, when I want to. Which is why I am writing this today and walking away…

I’ve already reread it as I was writing it. I don’t want to give myself a chance to pick it apart and destroy it.